Maybe I’m Not Cut Out For Human Resources

 Man, I just don't get it. I know times are tough, but this is ridiculous. That's the third rejection this week! I really thought I had this one. My skills were a perfect fit for the job description. I low-balled them on the salary. Plus, my interview was amazing! They couldn't take their eyes off me during my presentation. They were hanging on my every word. I spent a week preparing, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing, that's what. I know it's important to keep a positive attitude, but I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for human resources.It doesn't make sense. I wore my best suit, my finest tie, and I even bought a new pair of shoes just for this interview; not to mention the cufflinks. I spent all day looking for a pair that would go with my bridge piercing. The guy at Brooks Brothers told me I looked like a junior executive. I guess that's what I get for trusting a guy who works on commission. I feel like I should have the word "sucker" written across my chin instead of this ancient Sanskrit symbol for death.

 Maybe it was something I said? Could I have inadvertently offended someone with an off color remark? Or perhaps my handshake didn't seem confident enough? Or maybe during lunch I should have just eaten the cafeteria's food rather than pulling a live rat out of my briefcase and devouring it whole. I bet that made me seem like I wasn'ta team player. When the market is this tough, it's the little things that make or break you. God, I'm so stupid, sometimes.Why did I even bother to get a degree? The George Washington University School of Business is supposed to have one of the best Master's Programs for HR in the country, but it hardly ever comes up in my interviews. You'd think they'd notice something like that, especially since there are so many alumni right here in town. It's not like I'm hiding it. I'm always sure to wear my class ring as well as my GWU studded codpiece. You'd think a fellow "Colonial" would spot me coming a mile away, but no one seems to care. I guess people just don't have school spirit anymore.I should be used to the rejection by now. It's not like my previous jobs ever seemed to work out. Back in high school, when I started working at Chuck E. Cheese's, that place was packed. But as soon as I finally got promoted to the ticket booth, things just started drying up. It was almost as if parents were afraid to bring their kids. The same thing happened at Cold Stone Creamery. I remember it was always crowded before I got the job. But as soon as I started working, the place was a ghost town. Maybe it was my awful singing, or the time one of my horns cracked off and bled all over the ice cream, but I can't help but feel like I'm the one jinxing these businesses, even if it is just the business cycle taking its course.
You know what? Screw the corporate world! I don't need their approval. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I'm going to go into business for myself. I'm a people person, and my mom always said I had a face you could trust. Of course, that was before I bludgeoned her to death with the leg of her kitchen table, but still. She had a point. I need something where I'm out there on the front lines, pressing the flesh with the customers. Maybe something in door to door sales. That's it! Cutco Knives! I'll go from house to house, enthusiastically displaying a wide array of cutlery! I'll specifically target housewives who are home alone during the day since they're an easier sell. Man, I've got a great feeling about this. Look out stay-at-home mom's of the D.C. metro area, here I come!


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